Coulrophobia - Scared Silly

Of all the legitimate things to be afraid of, like spiders, snakes and/or woodpeckers, my wife is afraid of clowns. I'm talking push-me-to-the-ground, run-off-screaming afraid. The real thing. She even has clown-sense. It's like Spider Man's Spidey-Sense but it works with clowns. We were in the mall once and she gripped my arm and in a squeaky voice said "There's a clown here!".
A few minutes later we turned a corner, and I shit you not, there she was. Red nose, big funny shoes and clothes that had 43 shades of color in them. It was a lady clown making balloon animals for kids I think. I didn't get a good look since my wife threw me down to facilitate her escape. She figures that if I'm down, the clown will eat me first, giving her plenty of time to escape.

The first clown to terrify her was not Pennywise. It was not one of the Killer Klowns from Outer Space. It was not even one of those creepy circus clowns. It was Ronald MacDonald.
Granted, the product he stands for is pretty damned scarey, but the clown himself isn't made to scare the bejesus out of kids.
Market research says Ronald is a fun-loving symbol of good times and good food. Well, since they lied about the food, I figure they lied about the clown's image too. Personally, I think Mayor McCheese is a lot scarier, but what do I know?
Apparently, coulrophobia...the fear of clowns...keeps a lot of people awake at night.
California State University did a study that told them, kids did not like clowns because of a familiar body type with an unfamiliar face conflict. I have no idea what that means because it doesn't tell me shit. My wife has no fear of zombies. Familiar body type and unfamiliar face. No fear of werewolves and their familiar body type and unfamiliar face. So that offered reasoning doesn't work. I want my tax dollars refunded.

I need to understand the reasons behind this fear of clowns. Let's face it, I'm getting closer to the break-a-hip stage when I fall or get thrown down. Before I end up in a wheelchair, maybe if I understand why I can help her overcome it.
It doesn't help to ask her. Here is a typical exchange over why she is afraid of clowns:
Me: Why are you afraid of clowns?
Her: Mustn't say...clowns will eat me.
Me: Why would they eat you?
Her: Clowns are evil.
Me: Why do you think clowns are evil?
Her: Because they scare me.
Me: But why are you afraid of clowns?
Her: Mustn't say...clowns will eat me.
Get the drift? There's no logical explaining for this unnatural fear of such jolly folk. The entire purpose of clowns is mirth and merriment. The whimsical faces, the big shoes and bright red nose... all there to make you laugh.
Most researchers will tell you that coulrophobia is quite the modern problem. Among phobias, it's a fairly new fear. To understand phobias, you need to know what it is that begins one. If a child is bitten by a dog, that child can grow with cynophobia, an abnormal fear of dogs. Very few children are bitten by free-roaming clowns so we can rule that out.
Another way to acquire a phobia is to witness the reaction of another who fears the object. In other words, if Aunt Lois is wheeling you along in your stroller at the tender age of 2 or 3, and she sees a clown and rockets you towards it while she runs off screaming,...well there you have it.

Now then, we've established a very feasible way to explain how one gets a phobia. The clown has gained popularity as the antagonist in plenty of movies since Steven King decided that the lowest common denominator of fear is the clown. Hence, in his story It, the antagonist will appear to victims as their worst fear. But when the potential victims are in a group, enter the film world's scariest clown, Pennywise. That slightly insane killer with his balloons.
Since Penny, there have been more killing clowns than comedic clowns. We've seen Rob Zombie's Captain Spaulding, Violator, the nemesis of comic hero Spawn, the entire cast of Killer Klowns from Outer Space, aliens that just happen to look like clowns, Side-show Bob, out to kill Bart Simpson and last but not  least, that creepy frigging clown doll from Poltergeist. I mean really, who buys their kid that thing? It just screams homicidal maniac.

Speaking of homicidal maniacs, let's not forget what John Wayne Gacy did for clowns and their image. Pogo the Clown was his alter-ego, that funny, whimsical party animal. How often did he look out from that clown make up and think about raping some young guy at the party and then strangle him?
Another reason people fear clowns is the make up. The happy face with the big smile hides any true intent. Look at Gacy...you would say a million things looking at him in his clown make up and not one of them would be killer. Unless of course you suffer from coulrophobia. Then you'd have him nailed the minute he showed up.
So after doing the research, reading the psychiatric reports, interviewing the sufferers and looking at the pictures, I'm no closer to finding a cure. I suggested dressing as a clown thinking that if my wife actually watched me put the make up on and knowing who it was, it would cure her.
The kick in the knee to drop me and the broken nose from getting rammed into the dresser in her bid to escape before I ate her told me that approach was wrong. Then I suggested she dress herself as a clown. Amazingly, she threw me down in a bid to get away from herself...then ran over me four times trying to escape the "demon clown that was chasing her through the mirrors".

I thought about buying a nice clown doll but realized I could never stand up to the beating if it were to be used as a weapon. Besides, she would never sleep again and would eventually deteriorate into a zombie. But at least seeing a zombie in the mirror would not set off a phobia where the ultimate loser is me.
But all this research has benefited me somewhat. The next time people are helping me up from the mall floor, I'll just go see my lawyer after I manage to capture my wife and I'm going to sue the crap out of Steven King!