Craziest Holiday Ever!!!! Part 1

So, for this family, 2014 will officially be remembered as the most insane holiday ever. Gypsy and I are close to exhaustion, Alexa is going stir-crazy, Noob the wonder dog is close behind and the cats are even feeling it. Last night, Biggie kept cuddling with my daughter's Little Pony doll. In itself, this isn't overly-weird but the doll talks at the slightest touch. So all night I kept hearing "I love you Mommy" and the theme song of My Little Ponies. Let's explore the reasons why this insanity is so rampant and see if any donations come in.

I guess it's best to start at the beginning. Way back in August, we went to an agency that I will not name to talk about relocating. Long Island was rapidly becoming a place where  opportunity withered while responsibility grew.
This agency told us they could help. "We can absolutely set you up with temporary housing and help in finding a job!" they said. "Absolutely" being the key word. After all, if you can't trust a government agency...
So, we went about preparing for the big move. This was going to be the year of change. My wife was nervous but I assured her that everything would go smooth and easy-peasy. After all, "the agency" had our back. They would make the move to Miami as smooth as possible. The end of September was coming fast and we were confidant everything was good to go.
We had everything perfect. The moving pod was secured, the cable and post office taken care of, banks notified...everything was just right. The only problem was, the agency still hadn't given us an address in Miami. We just needed that and we were gone!

Then we got hit for the first time. The agency wasn't calling because they didn't know how to break it to me. They couldn't help, because the geniuses in Miami didn't want to work my case via phone and fax. They wanted me there in person. Reasonable, but where was my family and I supposed to stay while they did their thing in Miami? Never fear, the agency had an answer for that too.
"We'll get you into a homeless shelter" they said gleefully. A homeless shelter? A fucking homeless shelter???
"It's nothing to be ashamed of. We all hit hard times. You'll only be there for a month or two."
So now the scramble begins. Our funds had been depleted with enough budgeted to get to Miami. Except we're not going to Miami. We can't do anything now until February. So there we are on Long Island, everything we own in a moving pod, and absolutely no idea of where to go. Then I remember an offer we got a few months back. Friends had offered us their third floor. YES!!!, We have a place to go. A quick confirmation and a few schedule changes and we were on our way to North Carolina.

Now my wife was still unfamiliar with the concept of letting go. To be honest, even I had not grasped it fully. We had too much stuff for the car. So, we had to get one of those pods for the roof and we still didn't have enough room. So there we were, cruising down I-95 with the entire back area filled with toys, clothes, cats and anything else that was a last minute thought. Noob the wonder dog had his spot, on my wife's lap secured while my daughter and aunt shared the back seat with laptops and more clothes. We were on the road from the dawn's early light until 2 in the morning. Somehow, in all that driving time, we never even saw a cop.
This was a gift since we had way too much stuff in the car, my driver's license wasn't up to date and the car had a break light out. It had to be a very good omen right? We thought so too. We got to the friends home and amid lots of weary hugging and talks about the trip we finally settled in for the night. As we all slept contentedly, little did we know what was coming our way.

Before long, things would deteriorate...to put it delicately. In less than a month we would feel like new parents with a child that looked like Mr. Bean, wondering how many gods we had offended to be placed in such a hell.
What had we done so horrible to be put in such a pitiful existence? Our lives were rapidly crumbling, spiraling down into a crushed mash of emotions that ranged from hate to hate. We debated on what we needed to do with our Bean-baby and it wasn't pretty. We searched for a diplomatic route, but that was all taken away when...


Well, this is where it ends for now. Part two will be along soon and you'll see that we've gone from bad to worse to idiotic. But at least we got rid of that damned Bean-baby.