The Joys of Moving

Well, the much anticipated move is finally here. We're moving, lock, stock and barrel from the center of Long Island to Hialeah, Fl.
Maybe...
The move is supposed to happen at the end of August when our lease runs out. I say supposed to, because this is getting crazy. There are so many things to do. We've shopped around for ways to do this and have settled on getting a storage container to fill with all our worldly goods and then send off to sunny Hialeah. We all decided that the drive will be a study on insanity with a four year old in a child seat.

Therefore, we will be taking the auto train. This marvel of engineering will save us a ton of driving time and even more brain cells. Unfortunately, the train does not load in New York. Or in New Jersey. The train loads in Lorton, Virginia. It starts loading at 11:30 AM. Last car taken is at 3:00 PM and the train leaves at 4:00.
Now, according to MapQuest, this little jaunt from my home to Lorton takes 4 hours and 43 minutes. Not bad right? The only problem is that there have been times when it has taken me 4 hours to get from Brooklyn to my house. The plan we're working with now is to leave here at midnight and drive through the night. Best case scenario is that we miss all the traffic and arrive in beautiful Lorton at around 5:00 AM. Worst case scenario is that somewhere along the way, the traffic gods throw a wrench into our well-oiled machine.
But, we are confidant that the roads will be fine and we'll get there at a good time. The next problem is that it arrives in Sanford, Florida and spits out all the cars. Again, according to MapQuest, the ride from Sanford to Hialeah is just under four hours. I have no frame of reference for the roads in Florida but somehow, I suspect this time frame is another joke. But this is still the best way to get there.
So, we have the apartment contents taken care of and we have ourselves taken care of. Everything is good right? Wrong.

Remember when trains used to haul animals? We know they did from many sources such as the Three Stooges. We saw them on trains with the king of beasts and monkeys.
Lo and behold, they don't haul animals anymore. No more putting your lion in the baggage cars when you travel by rail. So now, the problem arises with getting Anubis the wonder dog there. Not to mention the two cats that together have more needs than a combined orphanage and home for unwed mothers. Now I have to get these three stooges of my own to Florida. So, now it's time for Pet Travel services.
You just know, this is not going to be simple. Pets are more pampered in American than in every other country combined. We have thousands of different foods for them, thousands of toys to keep their little brains happy and we'll even dress them as ballerinas and the Pope if it strikes our fancy. So there are two methods to transport your pets.
You can hire a chauffeur to drive them there. They'll pick them up and transport the darlings for a nominal fee. The problem is, they often transport a lot of other pets and have a lot of stops. There's no reason for Noob and his partners in crime to visit Tennessee on the way here. Besides, the way my luck goes, they'll drop Noob off to a hunter in the Ozarks and leave me an even stupider dog.

The second method is a gem. They fly and arrive there long before I do. So now, I need someone to go to the airport and pick them up. Of course, they won't know the person and they'll freak out, possibly causing even more brain-damage to themselves.
And the costs are staggering. The one price I have so far is higher than all of us AND the car going by rail. Really?
Because of these three, I might have to drive the entire distance myself. Of course the non-pet people have already told me to "just put them up for adoption and get new ones down there". They just don't get it.
Noob the wonder dog might be stupid and half brain-dead, but he's MY dumb dog. Same thing with the needy, pain-in-the-ass cats. I have time invested. Where am I going to find another cat that will ambush me while I write and head-butt my glasses off? Or a cat that drools puddles while you pet him? And then there's Noob. You tell me where I'll find another dog that ends up in the corner on his head and chewing on his back leg. You think that kind of dull grows on trees?
The joys of moving are just another way for life to provide stimulation to our lives. Like putting a new truck tire in the gorilla enclosure at the zoo. We get to inspect this stimuli, touch it, sniff it and finally climb into it. Sometimes, like the gorilla we'll swing contently.
The other times, we'll lose control, fall and split our heads open on the ground. And our stupid dogs will lay next to us and lick their nuts.